Be Kind to One Another: Ephesians 4:31-32 Explained
Short answer: Ephesians 4:31-32 tells believers to stop harboring bitterness, rage, anger, clamor, slander, and malice, and instead to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving, because God has forgiven us in Christ. It is a decisive command, phrased as putting things away and putting things on, just like taking off the clothes of an old life and putting on new ones. Because God has already shown us mercy we did not deserve, kindness toward others is not merely a suggestion but a debt of gratitude. It is the fruit the Spirit produces in a heart that has been changed. When we forgive one another, we mirror the forgiveness we received at the cross.
Be Kind to One Another: Ephesians 4:31-32 Explained
Paul wrote this letter to a church living in a city famous for its temple to Artemis and for magic. In the first three chapters, Paul lays out the riches of God's grace in Christ. Then, beginning in chapter four, he turns to how believers should now live. The word therefore functions as a hinge: because of what God has done, walk worthy of the calling you have received. Verses thirty-one and thirty-two sit inside this larger section about life in the new community. The command is not isolated advice; it grows out of the gospel Paul has just explained.
Ephesians 4:31 says, You can find the full wording of the verse in the passage block above. Paul lists six vices: bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, and slander, with all malice. These are not random sins; they are the toxic by-products of a community that has not dealt with its grievances. Bitterness is a chronic resentment that hardens over time. Wrath and anger are the heated flare-ups. Outcry takes that heat public, raising the voice or shouting. Slander turns the conflict into character assassination, and malice adds the deliberate wish to harm another person.
Together, the list paints a vivid picture of what happens when offenses are stored instead of forgiven. One wrong is remembered, nursed, brought up again in the next argument, and the wound deepens. Paul says all of it must be put away. The verb is decisive: not managed, not minimized, but removed. Bitterness is not something a Christian manages; it is something a Christian repents of. This is the negative half of the command, and it is a serious one. Before Paul tells us what to put on, he insists we take off the old garments that are destroying our relationships.
The second half appears in verse thirty-two, which says, be kind and tenderhearted, forgiving one another, just as God also in Christ forgave you. The positive command matches the negative one point for point. Instead of bitterness, kindness. Instead of wrath, a tender heart. Instead of slander and malice, a willingness to forgive. And the standard is staggering: forgive just as God forgave you in Christ. Our forgiveness of one another is not measured by how badly we were hurt, but by how completely Christ has forgiven us.
Put Off, Put On: The Grammar of the Christian Life
Notice that Paul does not merely say avoid being unkind, or try harder to be nice. He uses clothing imagery so familiar to his readers that it needs no explanation. A person takes off a ruined garment and puts on a new one. The old cannot simply be covered; it must be discarded. Many Christians try to add kindness on top of bitterness, smiling while resentment still churns underneath. The result is not kindness at all, but a polite mask over a poisoned heart. Paul's order is clear: the old garments must go.
The same pattern appears in Colossians 3:12-14, where Paul says to put on a heart of compassion, kindness, lowliness, humility, and perseverance, and above all things to put on love. He is describing a daily way of life, not a one-time event. Every morning, the Christian dresses for a new day in a community of sinners who sometimes wound us. That daily reality means there is a repeated cost to kindness. We do not forgive once and finish; we forgive in the next conversation, and the one after that, trusting God to keep working in us.
A key word is grateful. If we understand forgiveness as something we received freely, then forgiving others becomes a response, not a favor. But if we secretly believe we are superior to the person who hurt us, bitterness grows because we do not realize we were just as much in need of mercy. Jesus himself made this point in Matthew 18, where a servant forgiven a massive debt then refused to forgive a small one. The rebuke is not about the size of the debts, but about the ungrateful heart that forgets how much it was forgiven. Forgiven people forgive.
Paul never treats kindness as optional equipment for a few sweet-tempered personalities. It is the normal Christian life. It appears in the fruit of the Spirit in Galatians 5:22-23, which says the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faith. Because it is fruit, it grows. A believer who walks in the Spirit will see kindness increasing over time, the way a fruit tree grows more fruitful with each season. No one can say it is simply a matter of temperament when God has promised to produce it in every believer by his Spirit.
Forgiving Just as God Forgave You
The phrase just as God also in Christ forgave you is the engine of the whole command. Paul does not say forgive one another because it feels good, or because the other person deserves it. He grounds forgiveness in the past act of God at the cross. Christ's death paid for sin once for all. Every Christian reading this letter was, at some time, a person who needed exactly that kind of mercy and did not deserve it. To refuse forgiveness to another is to live as if the cross paid only for small sins and only for other people.
This does not mean forgiveness is easy or instantaneous. Some wounds are deep and the scars last for years. But forgiveness is a decision, made repeatedly if needed, to release the debt and hand the offender over to God. It does not always mean restoring a relationship to what it once was; wisdom and safety still matter, especially where someone is unrepentant or dangerous. Forgiveness releases the right to revenge. It refuses to keep the wound open and to feed the bitterness that Paul listed in the previous verse. That is a costly act, which is why it takes grace.
Forgiveness also produces the specific kind of kindness Paul calls tenderhearted. That word speaks of a gut-level compassion, the sort of feeling a parent has for a child in pain. It is not cold tolerance, gritting our teeth while we serve someone we dislike. It is a genuine warmth that actually cares about the other person's well-being. Tenderheartedness does not pretend the hurt never happened. It chooses to care for the offender anyway, because that is what God did for us when we were still in need of mercy.
The community Paul addresses in Ephesians 4 was made up of people from wildly different backgrounds. Jewish and Gentile believers who had once viewed each other with suspicion were now sharing tables and homes. The potential for offense was enormous. Faithfulness in a new community is impossible without forgiveness, in both directions. That is why the letter has been so practical for every church since Paul wrote it. Where forgiveness runs dry, criticism and division follow. Where forgiveness flows, outsiders notice a community that bears the marks of its Lord.
Be Kind to One Another as an Echo of the Fruit of the Spirit
Galatians 5:22-23 describes kindness as fruit of the Spirit. That means it is not manufactured by willpower alone, nor given only to certain people with easygoing dispositions. It is the Spirit's work in every believer who walks with God. But fruit also requires cultivation. A farmer cannot make an apple tree produce apples by shouting at it, but he does prune, water, and care for it. The Christian cultivates kindness through prayer, Scripture, and time in a community of fellow believers. Growth may be slow, but it is real and expected.
When Paul writes to the Galatians, he is contrasting the works of the flesh with the fruit of the Spirit. The works are plural, varied, and destructive; the fruit is singular and organic, like a cluster growing from one vine. Kindness is part of that cluster, not a standalone virtue. That has an important implication: a person who is growing in the Spirit will not be erratic, kind one day and harsh the next. There will be an overall direction to their life. Not perfection, but a pattern that trends toward kindness because the Spirit inside them is kind.
It is also important to remember that Paul gives this list to a real congregation with real problems. The letter to the Galatians is full of conflict, false teaching, and sharp correction. Paul does not write as an idealist who has never seen a divided church. He writes as a pastor who knows that only the Spirit's fruit can hold a community together. The law can restrain behavior; only grace can change the heart. Fruit grows out of union with Christ, not out of fear of punishment. That is why kindness is a gospel issue, not just a social courtesy.
Practically, this means we should not despair when kindness feels hard. If it comes from the Spirit, then we ask the Spirit for it. Prayer is not a last resort for kindness; it is the first step. And because fruit takes time, we should be patient with ourselves and with each other as we grow. The person who is currently struggling to be kind may simply be earlier in the growing season. A gracious community gives room for that process and encourages it rather than scolding it.
Kindness Toward the Unthankful and Evil
Luke 6:35-36 records Jesus' own standard of kindness: But love your enemies, and do good, and lend, expecting nothing back. That is a searching picture. Most of us find it easy to be kind to people who are kind to us. Jesus asks whether there is any reward in that, since even sinners do the same. The kindness he describes is unrewarded and unreturned. It does not calculate whether the person on the other end will be grateful, improves will follow, or the relationship will be repaired. It gives because God is kind.
The verse goes on to say that God himself is kind toward the unthankful and evil. That is the deepest motive for our kindness. It is rooted in God's character, not in the merit of the people around us. If we are children of the Most High, we will resemble our Father. A child of someone generous and merciful will, by the Spirit's work, become generous and merciful. Jesus says the reward for such kindness is great. That reward is not necessarily earthly thanks; it is the reward of the Father who sees what is done in secret and knows the heart behind it.
This teaching is difficult because it cuts against every instinct of fairness. When someone insults us or makes our lives harder, every part of us wants to retaliate or withdraw. Jesus says to do good anyway. That does not mean ignoring evil or pretending harm was not done. Paul is clear about evil in Romans 12:9-10, where he says to abhor that which is evil and cling to that which is good. Biblical kindness is not flattery and not compromise. It is a strong goodness that refuses to repay evil with evil and instead overcomes evil with good.
One of the most practical tests of kindness is anonymity. When no one will thank us, no one will notice, and no reward is coming, do we still act kindly? That is where the fruit of the Spirit is revealed. We serve because God sees, not because people do. This is also where hospitality and generosity take on their full Christian meaning. A cup of water given to a stranger, a meal prepared for someone who cannot repay, a quiet word of encouragement to a discouraged coworker; none of it is wasted. The Father who sees in secret will reward.
Paul's List of Sins to Put Away
Return to the six vices in Ephesians 4:31. Bitterness is first, and it may be the root of the rest. A bitter person rehearses old grievances. Wrath and anger describe the heat that comes from that rehearsal. Outcry and slander describe how the heat leaves the heart and enters the room, through raised voices and public attacks. Malice is the settled ill will underneath. Paul does not list six separate problems; he describes one heart attitude working itself out in escalating steps. To treat one sin and ignore the others is to leave the root in the ground.
Notice that the list includes sins of speech. Outcry and slander are things we say. Many Christians would never use a weapon, but find it easy to raise their voice at a spouse or run down a brother in a group chat. Paul lists those alongside anger and malice, treating them with equal seriousness. The way we speak about people when they are not in the room is not an insignificant matter. It is on the list of things to be put away. Christian maturity is often heard most clearly in tone, timing, and volume as much as in the content of our words.
Paul also says to put away all malice, a comprehensive little word. He does not allow exceptions for people who deserve it. We are tempted to make a private exception: I will not be bitter toward my Christian brothers and sisters, but there is one person in my life who has truly hurt me. Paul's all closes that door. The command covers every relationship, including the difficult ones. This is one reason the gospel is so central to his argument. Without the cross, we would not have the resources to forgive; with the cross, we have an infinite source from which to draw.
Putting away means renouncing, not merely managing. Bitterness is not dealt with by keeping it under control and never mentioning it. It is dealt with by confessing it to God and choosing to release the offender. That is a matter of the will. It may need to happen more than once, especially when old memories surface. But each time we put it away, we are saying that the cross of Christ is greater than our grievance and our identity in Christ is greater than our hurt. That is a freeing place to live.
Be Like-Minded, Compassionate, and Courteous
First Peter 3:8-9 gives a similar picture. It says to be like-minded, compassionate, loving as brothers, tenderhearted, and courteous, and not to repay insult for insult. Notice how many of these words are relational. Christianity is not merely a private faith; it is lived out with brothers and sisters, spouses, and neighbors. Peter writes to believers scattered across Asia Minor, some of them suffering for their faith, and he still urges a posture of courtesy and blessing. Grace under pressure is one of the clearest evidences that a person belongs to Christ.
Like-mindedness does not mean everyone thinking identically about every issue. In context, it means a shared disposition, a common concern for the good of the other. A congregation where everyone is out for themselves will soon fragment. A congregation where members genuinely care about each other's burdens and joys will be strong in the face of opposition. Peter knows that a divided church is easier prey for the enemy than a united one. So he calls for the lowly, self-giving posture that Jesus himself modeled and commanded in the upper room.
The command not to return insult for insult is specific. Peter accepts that insults will come. He does not promise a persecution-free life, but he insists that the response is different. Instead of returning the insult, we bless. That is one of the clearest examples of Christian kindness in the whole New Testament. Kindness is not merely passive; it actively speaks good over someone who has spoken evil. On our own, this is impossible. In the Spirit, it is the normal way we respond to hostility, because we trust God to be our defender.
Peter anchors this in verse nine with the promise that we were called to this, so that we may inherit a blessing. Our kindness is not ultimately for a reward from people. It flows from the blessing we have already received and it points toward the blessing we will one day inherit. That perspective frees us from needing everyone to appreciate what we do. We are already blessed in Christ. Out of that security, we have room to be generous, patient, and kind. When our identity is secure, we do not need to win every argument or get even with every offense.
How Kindness Changes a Church
Kindness is one of the most visible marks of a healthy church, and one of the first marks to disappear when a church becomes unhealthy. Guests may not remember the music, but they remember whether anyone spoke to them and whether the members seemed to care. A church can be doctrinally sound and still drive people away with coldness, cliques, or harsh speech. Paul's commands in Ephesians 4 are not peripheral; they are a matter of whether the body functions as a body. The alternative, quarreling and bitterness, is the path to fracture and disillusionment.
This also means that kindness is not a distraction from truth. Sometimes Christians pit kindness against doctrinal fidelity, as if one cancels the other. Paul would reject that. In the same chapter in which he commands kindness, he also commands speaking the truth in love. Truth without love becomes brutality, and love without truth becomes sentimentality. They are meant to work together. A faithful teacher corrects and encourages. A faithful congregation holds convictions and holds them gently. When both are present, outsiders notice something that does not quite exist in the world around them, and God is honored.
Kindness also reshapes our homes. The most common place we fail is not at church but at the kitchen table, with the people who know us best. Paul's commands are addressed to those closest to us by proximity, not necessarily by affection. A husband and wife who practice putting away bitterness and putting on forgiveness build a marriage that can survive hardship. Parents who model forgiveness when they fail teach their children that home is a place of grace. Children who learn to forgive quickly carry a gift into every friendship and workplace for the rest of their lives.
The long view matters. Communities shaped by kindness become communities where healing can happen. The person who comes in wounded and angry, expecting to be hurt again, can find something different. Not perfect people and not a perfect place, but a people who know they were forgiven and who in turn forgive. That is the kind of church God uses. And it is not built by a few exceptionally sweet individuals, but by ordinary believers daily putting off the old self and putting on the new, because Christ has forgiven them.
Biblical fidelity check
What these passages establish is a clear command: believers are to put away bitterness, wrath, anger, outcry, slander, and malice, and to be kind, tenderhearted, and forgiving. What they do not establish is that kindness means never confronting sin, always avoiding conflict, or giving in to everyone's demands. Paul, after all, corrects churches sharply in his letters. Jesus rebuked the Pharisees, overturned tables, and spoke hard words to his disciples. Biblical kindness is not niceness. It is a settled disposition of grace that chooses the other person's good, even when that good requires a difficult conversation.
A common misreading treats forgiveness as pretending the offense never happened. That is not what Paul describes. Forgiveness releases the debt and refuses revenge; it does not erase the memory or always restore the relationship. A person who has been abused is not required by these verses to put themselves back into danger. Forgiveness and reconciliation are related but distinct. Reconciliation requires repentance from the offender; forgiveness does not wait for it. Another misreading is that kindness is a personality trait, so quiet people have it and blunt people do not. Scripture presents kindness as fruit of the Spirit, expected of every believer, regardless of temperament.
Other passages that speak to Ephesians 4:31-32
Kindness toward one another is a theme that runs through the whole New Testament. In What Does 1 Peter 1:2 Mean? Context, Theology, and Application, we see the electing grace of God that makes such a life possible. What Does 1 Peter 1:13 Mean? Context, Theology, and Application calls believers to set their hope fully on grace, which shapes how they treat one another. What Does 1 Peter 1:15 Mean? Context, Theology, and Application grounds holy conduct in the character of the God who called us, and What Does 1 Peter 1:18 Mean? Context, Theology, and Application reminds us of the costly redemption that frees us from a futile way of life, motivating generosity and gentleness toward others.
Frequently asked questions
Is kindness the same as never disagreeing with anyone?
No. Kindness and agreement are different. Paul commands kindness in the same letters where he confronts sin, rebukes false teachers, and warns of danger. Biblical kindness seeks the other person's good, and sometimes the good of another requires a hard word. What changes is the manner and motive. We speak truth because we care, not because we want to win or wound. A person who never disagrees may actually be avoiding conflict for selfish reasons. Kindness is strong enough to disagree without contempt and to correct without cruelty.
Does forgiving someone mean I have to trust them again?
Forgiveness releases the debt and gives up revenge. Trust is a separate matter, rebuilt only through time and repentance. Paul tells us to forgive, but Scripture also teaches wisdom about who is safe and who is not. A person who has been betrayed can forgive fully and still set wise boundaries. This is not a lack of forgiveness; it is stewardship of what God has entrusted to us. Reconciliation requires the offender to repent. Where there is no repentance, there may still be full forgiveness, but not restored relationship.
What do I do when kindness feels impossible?
Begin with honest prayer. Kindness is fruit of the Spirit, which means God produces it, and it is reasonable to ask him to do so. Confess the bitterness to God rather than covering it. Ask for the courage to release the offense. Then take one small, concrete action toward the other person: a kind word, a refused retaliation, a small service. Feelings often follow obedience, not the other way around. Keep going back to the cross, where you were forgiven far more than you will ever forgive.
