Dealing-difficult-people
Short answer: Matthew 18:15-17 gives a three-step path for dealing with a difficult person who has sinned against you. First, go privately and show him his fault, because Matthew 18:15 says, "If your brother sins against you, go, show him his fault between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained back your brother." Second, if he will not listen, take one or two others so that every matter may be established by witnesses. Third, if he still refuses, tell it to the church. The goal is not winning an argument but regaining a brother. Alongside this, Scripture calls us to gentle words, to refuse revenge, and to walk wisely toward those outside the faith. Difficult people are not obstacles to remove but neighbors and brothers to love truthfully.
What Jesus Actually Commands in Matthew 18:15-17
The passage is not merely advice about conflict; it is a command with a purpose. The sin named is personal: a brother sins against you. Jesus does not say to wait until you feel ready, nor to wait until the other person apologizes first. He says go. The initiative rests with the wounded party, not the offender. That reverses our instinct, which is usually to wait, withdraw, and let resentment harden.
Notice the setting: between you and him alone. The first step is private. This protects the other person's reputation and keeps the matter from spreading. Many conflicts grow because we skip step one and take our grievance straight to a third party. Jesus closes the door on that. If the private conversation succeeds, the matter ends there and a relationship is restored.
The phrase gained back your brother assumes something was lost. Sin fractures fellowship, and Jesus treats restoration, not punishment, as the desired outcome. This is not a license to lecture everyone who annoys us. It concerns actual sin, and its aim is recovery.
The Three Steps and Why They Escalate Slowly
If the private conversation fails, Jesus says to take one or two others. Their role is not to gang up on the offender but to serve as witnesses, echoing the standard of Deuteronomy 19:15 that a matter is confirmed by two or three witnesses. They can verify what was said, and they may also help the offender see what he cannot see alone. Their presence is a mercy, not an ambush.
Only if that fails does the matter go to the church. Even here the purpose is not humiliation. The offender is refusing to hear not merely a friend but the gathered people of God. The church speaks on Christ's behalf, and the hope remains repentance and return. Every step is slower and more public than the last, which means patience is built into the process itself.
If he refuses even the church, Jesus says to let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. That sounds harsh until we remember how Jesus treated Gentiles and tax collectors. He ate with them and called them to repentance. The relationship changes form, but the door to grace stays open.
Start With Your Own Heart Before the Conversation
Before you go, examine your own contribution. Matthew 7:3-5 warns against fixing a splinter in another's eye while a beam sits in your own. This does not cancel the command to go; it shapes how you go. Are you going to restore, or to be proven right? Do you want the person to change, or do you want to see them squirm? Honest answers change our tone before we ever speak.
Pray for the person by name. It is difficult to stay venomous toward someone you have genuinely brought before God. Ask for humility, for the right words, and for a heart that can receive whatever response comes. Ask also for courage, because the conversation may go badly and you still must speak truth in love.
Choose the setting deliberately. A quiet, private place, enough time to talk, and no audience. Beginning with your own hurt rather than a list of charges often opens the door. The goal is not to win but to be understood and to understand.
Gentle Words Turn Away Wrath
Proverbs 15:1 says, "A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger." This is not a promise that gentleness always works, but it is a warning about what harshness always does. The volume and sharpness of our words frequently decide the outcome more than the content does. A true sentence delivered with contempt still wounds and rarely persuades.
Ephesians 4:29-32 says, "Let no corrupt speech proceed out of your mouth, but only what is good for building others up as the need may be, that it may give grace to those who hear." This is a high standard for a hard conversation. Our words should give grace even when we are naming sin. Grace-giving correction is possible; grace-killing correction is common.
Paul goes on in the same passage to command kindness, tenderheartedness, and forgiveness, patterned on God's forgiveness in Christ. That is the soil from which confrontation grows. If forgiveness has already begun in your heart, your words will sound different. If it has not, no technique will hide it.
When You Cannot Confront: Overlook, Limit, and Pray
Not every offense requires the Matthew 18 process. Proverbs 19:11 says good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense. Many slights are better covered than confronted. Matthew 18 addresses sin serious enough to break fellowship, not every irritation or social awkwardness. Wisdom discerns which is which.
Sometimes confrontation is unsafe or impossible, such as with a violent person or someone beyond your reach. In such cases, Scripture does not demand that you place yourself repeatedly in harm's way. You can set limits, seek help from wise believers or lawful authorities, and still refuse bitterness. Romans 12:18 says, as far as it depends on you, live peaceably with all. The phrase as far as it depends on you acknowledges that peace is not always possible.
Where you cannot speak, you can pray. Where you cannot change the person, you can refuse to become like them. God is not absent from the situations you cannot fix, and he is able to work in hearts you cannot reach.
Refuse Revenge and Leave Justice to God
Romans 12:17-21 says, "Repay no one evil for evil. Respect what is honorable in the sight of all men." The passage continues by commanding us, so far as it depends on us, to live peaceably with all, and never to avenge ourselves. Vengeance belongs to God. He will repay. That is either a comfort or a threat, depending on whether we trust him.
This does not mean passivity toward evil. It means we do not take the judge's seat. We can speak truth, seek justice through lawful means, and protect the vulnerable, while leaving final judgment to God. The image Paul uses is striking: overcoming evil with good. Good is not merely the absence of retaliation; it is active, deliberate kindness.
Difficult people often provoke us precisely because they seem to escape consequences. Romans 12 tells us nothing escapes God's notice. We can entrust the outcome to him and free ourselves from the exhausting work of making them pay.
Love Your Enemies Without Pretending They Are Not Enemies
Matthew 5:43-48 records Jesus saying, "You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.'" He then commands love for enemies and prayer for persecutors, so that we may be children of our Father in heaven, who sends rain on the just and the unjust. This is one of the hardest commands in Scripture, and it is not optional.
Loving enemies does not mean trusting them with everything, agreeing with them, or calling their evil good. It means willing their good, praying for them, speaking well of them where possible, and refusing to return evil for evil. A person can remain dangerous and still be loved. Boundaries and love are not enemies.
Jesus grounds this in the character of God, who is kind even to the ungrateful and evil. Our love for difficult people is not a feeling we manufacture but a reflection of the mercy we have received. We were once difficult people ourselves, and God did not wait for us to become lovable.
Wisdom Toward Those Outside the Faith
Matthew 18 addresses a brother, someone inside the family of faith. Colossians 4:5-6 says, "Walk in wisdom toward those who are outside, redeeming the time," adding that our speech should be with grace, seasoned with salt, so that we may know how to answer each person. The same gentleness applies, but the process differs. You cannot take an unbeliever to the church for discipline.
With those outside, patience and prayer often replace formal confrontation. You may still name wrong plainly, but the goal is not restoring church fellowship; it is commending the gospel. How we handle difficult people is itself a witness. A harsh, combative Christian contradicts the message he claims to believe.
Wisdom also means knowing when to keep engaging and when to step back. Redeeming the time suggests we treat each relationship as an opportunity, not an endless argument to be won.
Biblical fidelity check
Matthew 18:15-17 establishes a real process for real sin between believers: private confrontation, then witnesses, then the church. It does not establish a general permission to correct everyone who annoys us, and it does not authorize us to police the world. The sin named is against you, and the brother is a fellow believer. It also does not guarantee that the offender will repent. Jesus explicitly anticipates the possibility of refusal, so a failed outcome is not proof that you handled it wrongly.
A common misreading is to treat the passage as a ladder of escalation for winning conflicts or proving someone wrong. That reverses the point. The entire process aims at gaining back your brother, and the final step of treating him as a Gentile and tax collector must be read through Jesus' own habit of eating with such people, not through our desire for revenge. Another misreading applies the church step to publicly shaming a person before any private conversation. That skips the very step Jesus commands first and turns restoration into exposure.
Other passages that speak to Matthew 18:15-17
The principles behind this passage run through the whole Bible. The call to live as a distinct, holy people who reflect God's character appears in studies like 1 Peter 2:9 Meaning: A Chosen People and Royal Priesthood. The same care for one another shows up in 2 Timothy 2:2 Bible Study: Entrusting Truth to Faithful People, where faithful people are entrusted with truth. The courage to act rightly under pressure is pictured in the rescue story of Deborah and Jael: Judges 4 Rescue Story. And the inner character that makes gentle confrontation possible is described in The Beatitudes Explained: Matthew 5:1–12 Meaning.
Frequently asked questions
Does Matthew 18:15-17 apply to every offense?
No. The passage addresses a brother who sins against you in a way serious enough to threaten fellowship. Proverbs 19:11 praises the person who overlooks an offense, which means many minor slights should simply be covered rather than confronted. Wisdom asks whether the issue is a genuine sin that has damaged the relationship or merely a personal irritation. If it is the latter, forgive quietly and let it go. If it is the former, the process in Matthew 18 begins with a private, honest conversation aimed at restoration, not a list of accumulated complaints.
What if the person refuses to listen?
Jesus anticipates this. You take one or two others, and if he still refuses, you tell it to the church. The church then treats him as a Gentile and a tax collector, which in Jesus' practice meant a person still invited to repent but no longer treated as a member in good standing. Refusal does not mean you failed. You are responsible for obedience, not for the other person's response. Keep your own heart free from bitterness, continue to pray, and leave the outcome to God, who judges rightly and knows the whole situation better than you do.
Can I confront someone who is not a Christian?
Matthew 18 is explicitly about a brother, so the formal church process does not apply to those outside the faith. Colossians 4:5-6 still calls us to walk in wisdom toward outsiders, with speech that is gracious and seasoned with salt. You may speak truth plainly, set boundaries, and refuse to be mistreated, but your aim is different: commending the gospel rather than restoring church fellowship. A non-Christian may not recognize your authority to confront. Pray for them, be honest, and let your conduct commend Christ.
